Dream

I dream. I really do. I don't dream the way that others do. By definition. :-) I'm going to have to start to focus on what my dreams are and really focus on them. Even if I think that others may think that they are (too) small. They fit me and what I want to do with my life. I dream of inspiring others, but not in a way that others will perceive as big. I don't want to be in front of large groups of people. I don't want to have to get up behind a lecturn to do it, but I nonetheless want to have a profound effect in the lives of the people that I contact. I want to create this effect through deeply personal and individual connections. I want to be in one-on-one situations where I'm pouring my heart out to a student or a collegue in such a way that they feel empowered to do whatever it is that they want to do with their life. I want to be that person that select people call when they need a boost, when they are feeling doubtful or unsure about themselves. I want to be in a position to encourage them in the very moment that they need it so that they don't give up; that they keep on pushing, keeping on going. I want to be that type of change agent. I do it already with friends and family and it is the most exhilirating thing ever. Yeah. Helping others live their best life by helping them remember their greatness. :-)

I don't have a real desire to talk to large groups. I am by no means afraid of them, I just don't particularly want to do it. I like seeing the light and passion return to someones eyes and voice after talking to them. :-) Instant gratification true. Haha. But especially with students, I know that I won't always see that light immediately. They'll probably make me wait for it, but I'm okay with that. It's those things that you have to work at long term that are always the most fulfulling. :-D

Okay. yeah. That's my big one. I can do this is numerous different outlets. And maybe that is why it is so hard for me to figure out exactly what to do. I can do this while doing other things.

Being the light and glory of God to my co-workers. That was the way that I expressed this at one time. I wouldn't use that exact phrasing any longer, but it does belie an understanding that this thing that I want to do so passionately may need to be a cognate to other activity. But then again, there is that nagging part of me that cries out passionately, "NO!" It's possible to do want I passionately want to do and only that. It is possible to have every facet of my life be a reflection of a desire of mine. It is very possible to have a life totally void of empty activity and productiveless behavior. :-) Everything can be necessary. It is possible to live fully. It is absolutely necessary for my personal happiness to find a way to do this. Additionally, there is a way to do all of this such that it is financially viable. Money is by no means my goal. It is simply a tool that can be used to further my dreams and those of others. And that is exactly what I want to use it to do. It will be my servant. It will be available to do whatever I want to do; whether that is buying something for me, buying something for someone else or giving it away to someone to do with it whatever they choose.

That is the type of abundant life that I choose to live.

All abundance flows to and through me in order to expand my joy and the joy of others.

So yeah, umm...

Well we didn't have intercourse.


That's one thing to proud about. haha. But we did do almost eveything else. Maybe I should have known what was going to happen when I went over there. Maybe I did know without really recognizing that I knew. He said that he was feeling "frisky" and that if the situation was different he'd definitely would have wanted to have intercourse. But the situation wasn't different and we didn't have intercourse. What we did do doesn't really matter, and really isn't the reason I'm writing this.


I'm writing this because I'm somehow okay with the "arrangement" that we have. I did a google search yesterday for "friends with benefits". I'm not sure what I was expecting to find, but I did stumble upon a study that said that the arrangement is one that is common among college students and recent college graduates. The study also said the the majority of the college students surveyed said that they had had such an arrangement at some time during their college career. The findings that were the most interesting to me were:


"One-tenth of these relationships went on to become full-scale romances, the study found. About a third stopped the sex and remained friends, and one in four eventually broke it off — the sex and the friendship. The rest continued as friends-with-benefits relationships."


I'm not for sure where we would fall in those statistics, but if I had to guess, I'd say that we we'll continue with our arrangement. I know I want another session and I don't think I'll get staunch resistance from him. Haha.


But the thing that is most surprising to me about all of this (and I did share this with him) is that I'm not trippin. I'm not getting all remorseful or even more attached to him. I've stopped trying to be more attached because it's just not there and I thank God for that.


I want to tell my brother. I followed his instructions. He told me not to have sex with the guy. And I didn't, in the way that he meant it. He also told me to have fun, that I did. Haha. The other cool thing was that I learned more about how my body reacts when sexually aroused. I shake. Even without the direct clitoral stimulation, I was aroused enough to shake the way I do with direct stimulation. Quite interesting.

I'm looking forward to cunnilingus next time. :-)

My Space

So I normally blog on MySpace, but I don't want to right now because the object of this blog could read it and I don't want him to. MySpace was my haven. I could write whatever was on my brain and heart at any given moment. But now that he has access to those thoughts, I have to be more cautious. Is that bad? Probably. I just don't want him to have total access and him being able to read my blogs as well as talk to me as much as he does gives him too much access.

So the thought that spurred all this, is an intense longing for him that I experienced suddenly tonight. I was going down the stairs to the basement when this sudden feeling of intense longing attached itself to me. It really came out of nowhere. I wasn't thinking about him at all. I'm not exactly sure what I was thinking about at the moment when it happened, but it wasn't him. :-)

It wouldn't be so bad if he actually was my "man" and not only a friend. It also wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't just read an article about love and how an ability to be without the other person is fundamental to true love. Then add to that the lingering hesitation to allow myself to get this in to a guy at all. I know it won't last forever. I know we won't get married and that I'll have to truly let him go one day, but that doesn't stop me from getting really really in to him. And then I have those thoughts that maybe it's one-sided and he's not as in to me as I am to him. But then I remember times when he calls me just because he was thinking about me and he missed me. Maybe I'm not giving him an opportunity to miss me because I'm always calling or texting. I'll back up a little. Let's try not to text or call him at all tomorrow unless he does one or both first. :-)

Now I'm not doing this to play games with him (I'm not any good at the sort of stuff anyway). I'm doing it to prove to myself that I can breathe without him and that I can exercise self-control about him. I really do need to practice it because it really is...

Do I really need to do this? Is this me censoring myself because of what I think others think or will think of me or us? Or am I censoring me because I truly believe it is the healthy thing for me to do at this point?

Both?