So yeah, umm...

Well we didn't have intercourse.


That's one thing to proud about. haha. But we did do almost eveything else. Maybe I should have known what was going to happen when I went over there. Maybe I did know without really recognizing that I knew. He said that he was feeling "frisky" and that if the situation was different he'd definitely would have wanted to have intercourse. But the situation wasn't different and we didn't have intercourse. What we did do doesn't really matter, and really isn't the reason I'm writing this.


I'm writing this because I'm somehow okay with the "arrangement" that we have. I did a google search yesterday for "friends with benefits". I'm not sure what I was expecting to find, but I did stumble upon a study that said that the arrangement is one that is common among college students and recent college graduates. The study also said the the majority of the college students surveyed said that they had had such an arrangement at some time during their college career. The findings that were the most interesting to me were:


"One-tenth of these relationships went on to become full-scale romances, the study found. About a third stopped the sex and remained friends, and one in four eventually broke it off — the sex and the friendship. The rest continued as friends-with-benefits relationships."


I'm not for sure where we would fall in those statistics, but if I had to guess, I'd say that we we'll continue with our arrangement. I know I want another session and I don't think I'll get staunch resistance from him. Haha.


But the thing that is most surprising to me about all of this (and I did share this with him) is that I'm not trippin. I'm not getting all remorseful or even more attached to him. I've stopped trying to be more attached because it's just not there and I thank God for that.


I want to tell my brother. I followed his instructions. He told me not to have sex with the guy. And I didn't, in the way that he meant it. He also told me to have fun, that I did. Haha. The other cool thing was that I learned more about how my body reacts when sexually aroused. I shake. Even without the direct clitoral stimulation, I was aroused enough to shake the way I do with direct stimulation. Quite interesting.

I'm looking forward to cunnilingus next time. :-)

My Space

So I normally blog on MySpace, but I don't want to right now because the object of this blog could read it and I don't want him to. MySpace was my haven. I could write whatever was on my brain and heart at any given moment. But now that he has access to those thoughts, I have to be more cautious. Is that bad? Probably. I just don't want him to have total access and him being able to read my blogs as well as talk to me as much as he does gives him too much access.

So the thought that spurred all this, is an intense longing for him that I experienced suddenly tonight. I was going down the stairs to the basement when this sudden feeling of intense longing attached itself to me. It really came out of nowhere. I wasn't thinking about him at all. I'm not exactly sure what I was thinking about at the moment when it happened, but it wasn't him. :-)

It wouldn't be so bad if he actually was my "man" and not only a friend. It also wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't just read an article about love and how an ability to be without the other person is fundamental to true love. Then add to that the lingering hesitation to allow myself to get this in to a guy at all. I know it won't last forever. I know we won't get married and that I'll have to truly let him go one day, but that doesn't stop me from getting really really in to him. And then I have those thoughts that maybe it's one-sided and he's not as in to me as I am to him. But then I remember times when he calls me just because he was thinking about me and he missed me. Maybe I'm not giving him an opportunity to miss me because I'm always calling or texting. I'll back up a little. Let's try not to text or call him at all tomorrow unless he does one or both first. :-)

Now I'm not doing this to play games with him (I'm not any good at the sort of stuff anyway). I'm doing it to prove to myself that I can breathe without him and that I can exercise self-control about him. I really do need to practice it because it really is...

Do I really need to do this? Is this me censoring myself because of what I think others think or will think of me or us? Or am I censoring me because I truly believe it is the healthy thing for me to do at this point?

Both?