My Space

So I normally blog on MySpace, but I don't want to right now because the object of this blog could read it and I don't want him to. MySpace was my haven. I could write whatever was on my brain and heart at any given moment. But now that he has access to those thoughts, I have to be more cautious. Is that bad? Probably. I just don't want him to have total access and him being able to read my blogs as well as talk to me as much as he does gives him too much access.

So the thought that spurred all this, is an intense longing for him that I experienced suddenly tonight. I was going down the stairs to the basement when this sudden feeling of intense longing attached itself to me. It really came out of nowhere. I wasn't thinking about him at all. I'm not exactly sure what I was thinking about at the moment when it happened, but it wasn't him. :-)

It wouldn't be so bad if he actually was my "man" and not only a friend. It also wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't just read an article about love and how an ability to be without the other person is fundamental to true love. Then add to that the lingering hesitation to allow myself to get this in to a guy at all. I know it won't last forever. I know we won't get married and that I'll have to truly let him go one day, but that doesn't stop me from getting really really in to him. And then I have those thoughts that maybe it's one-sided and he's not as in to me as I am to him. But then I remember times when he calls me just because he was thinking about me and he missed me. Maybe I'm not giving him an opportunity to miss me because I'm always calling or texting. I'll back up a little. Let's try not to text or call him at all tomorrow unless he does one or both first. :-)

Now I'm not doing this to play games with him (I'm not any good at the sort of stuff anyway). I'm doing it to prove to myself that I can breathe without him and that I can exercise self-control about him. I really do need to practice it because it really is...

Do I really need to do this? Is this me censoring myself because of what I think others think or will think of me or us? Or am I censoring me because I truly believe it is the healthy thing for me to do at this point?

Both?